I am so fucking sick of getting “spam” from sheeple who are supposed to love me. I ranted about this recently (Stop Forwarding Shit To Me!) but apparently you didn’t all get the memo. You think it’s cute, a fun novelty to forward shit to me, don’t you?

I beg to differ! You are gullible and naive, childish and thoughtless sheeple. Grow the fuck up and think before you forward some piece of shit nonsense to me. You’ve GOT to know by now that you are mindlessly sending me garbage, that forwarding that fucking prayer will not give you the miracle breast implants you wished for when you sent it to 27 of your unsuspecting friends and relatives? And what if you only had 26 people to send it to instead of the required, randomly selected 27? Did you wake up with a brain hemorrhage as threatened? No? Well, isn’t that a CLUE that maybe it’s all fucking BULLSHIT? That you are simply desperate for a miracle and terrified of cosmic retribution if you do not ACT NOW as instructed?

Every time my inbox is violated by another forward from you, I lose respect for you a little bit more. I don’t think it’s cute or funny. You are taking up my valuable time to wade through all the stupid emails you insist on sending me every fucking day. The same fucking emails that have been circulating since Al first invented the internet. They didn’t work miracles then and they certainly don’t now. How can you be so dense as to think you’re getting somewhere with this shit?

Ok, I can almost understand how you can still believe in an invisible man in the sky. I don’t, but to each his or her own. Maybe you just haven’t questioned things much. You have that stuff called Faith that supersedes facts, history and science. Faith doesn’t seem to mind hypocrisy and contradictions at every turn. Faith turns a blind eye to such things. Whatever gets you through the day and helps you sleep at night, I suppose.

But it seems to me (being a 7th degree black belt atheist, relying heavily on science, fact and past empirical data) that it would eventually occur to you that forwarding a stupid email obviously written by some idiot will never give you the promised reward or cause the mayhem that is threatened for not sending it along. It seems to me that, at some point, you might actually think for yourself instead of blindly being a sheeple and hitting that forward button in fear and desperation. It might cross your mind as you reach for your overworked mouse, that maybe your god, if he is up there looking down upon you, doesn’t care much for email.

I guess I’m just being silly, aren’t I? That’s just kooky talk, isn’t it? I mean, there must be MILLIONS of angels up there in heaven, sitting at brand new, state of the art computers with big plasma screen monitors, processing the gazillions of emails that are forwarded every day. Johnny forwarded that novena to 43 people, send him a new pickup truck! Janie only sent that one to 3 people, she sucks! She gets a brain tumor. She really should have tried harder. Sally had the nerve to delete that email. How dare she! Run her fiance off the road tonight then. She asked for it.

Oh fuck, I’ve thrown logic into the mix. I hope you didn’t just get an aneurysm from overworking your brain with something as foreign and mysterious as logic. Well fuck you. I don’t fucking care at this point. Because you’re either part of the problem or part of the solution. If you forward mindless emails, you’re definitely part of the fucking problem.