I was talking to Nutcase a bit ago. He sent me a link to some scambusters site. It was a scam I haven’t run across, where a Nigerian fucknut tells the potential victim that he is dying of cancer or something equally awful and needs help giving his money to charity. Apparently he even includes pictures of some poor unfortunate fuck who is actually dying of something awful….

I never get good scams. I check my junk mail every day because for some reason certain things get thrown in there when they shouldn’t. I get the same stuff all the time. Mainly it’s a smorgasbord of offers for cheap knockoff watches, offers for me to make money working from home, and then the cream of the crop, several offers a day to extend the length of my penis. These are my favorites. You see, I didn’t know that anything was wrong with the size of my penis until I started getting at least 3 of these emails a day. I became very self conscious about it, actually. In case you didn’t realize, I’m a chick. I didn’t even have a penis, and somehow they must have known this. The emails poured in, my self-esteem plummeted, and my life slowly unraveled. It was awful. Wingnut started talking about maybe getting a divorce and I was in a veritable quandary.

That’s when I knew I had to act, and act quickly. I started ordering the penis fixer uppers. Something had to work to give me back my confidence and my life. I ordered quite a few different products to get me started. I got pills that promised to “enlarge your penis up to 4 inches,” I got ointments that promised to seduce her (I didn’t even know I was bi or gay!), I got unguents that would pleasure her all night long and I got sprays that would “get the other person into bed”. While I was at it, I got Cialis at a great discount, Viagra at next to nothing and some Xanax that looked funny but made me feel great when I mixed them with the new women’s vodka I found in another spam email.

Weeks passed and Wingnut started to notice my metamorphosis. It was amazing. I should have taken pictures, I guess. I was transformed in less than a month from a mild mannered middle aged miserable woman with no self esteem, to a virile ladies’ man with an enormous cock. I got my confidence back! It was truly a miracle. Of course, Wingnut is very straight and has a cock of his own. He certainly doesn’t want anything to do with mine, but that’s another story for another day, I guess.

Of course, I wanted to share some of my favorite emails with you, but I have a rather compulsive habit of emptying my spam and junk folders at least once a day, usually several times a day.

So, I thought, I’ll check Wingnut’s spam folder! I logged into his account and holy fuck! He had exactly 700 spam emails! They get deleted automatically after 30 days, so wow, that seems like a lot for a month. But I guess not. I avoided looking at his inbox and went straight for the good stuff, and you know what I found? He gets different spam than me! For some reason, I thought we’d get basically the same stuff. So hey, you really do learn something new every day. I just finished going through all 700 spam emails and not a single one was for male enhancement. Then again, he doesn’t need it (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more!).

He seems to get a lot for free merchandise. I saw a lot about job opportunities too. Several for wrinkle reduction, like samples for women’s face cream and stuff (funny, he doesn’t use women’s face cream. But I’m sure he’ll have to start soon, what with the offers for it. The peer pressure is so unbearable!) There were a few, not many, for dating websites. Some debt reduction and solutions. Scattered among all of that were several offering free bibles. Quite interesting, don’t you think?

I never get any of those kinds of spam emails. I mean no one offers me free bibles. What’s up with that? Never mind the fact that I don’t need any more bibles, thank you very much. I actually purchased a great one quite a few years ago when I was studying all the myths of christianity and judaism. I got the oxford annotated bible, or something close to that. It had all kinds of great info in the footnotes that was quite interesting for unknotting the hypocrisy and contradictions of that era. Of course, not satisfied with just one, when Wingnut and I went to vote, our precinct was in a church. He took longer than me (as usual) and I mischievously and casually absconded with a bible from the pews while I waited.

Not to be outdone, when Wingnut spent a night in a hotel several years later, the gideon bible ended up in his bag and on our bookshelf. Ah, to be wicked blasphemous heathens, hmm? But I digress. And on that note, I suppose I’ll end here. I’d love to hear what kinds of spam you get if they’re interesting or different. Do you get the Nigerian scams? Every once in awhile I get the international lottery ones. I’d really like to take a crack at engaging with them, see how far I can get with a bit of fun with those fuckers. But I haven’t ever gone through with it. Have you?